John Learns How The Other Side Lives, Is Not Pleased

April 2005

When I was 18, I had been dating a girl for a couple of months, one of my first “serious” girlfriends, and a relationship that was on again/off again for over three years. Both of us had been in relationships before and neither of us were strangers to the world of sexual interaction, at least outside of intercourse, but I’d definitely say we were both still very inexperienced teenagers who had no idea what we were doing.

One day, the urge to bump uglies overcame me when she came over my place, and I started to incite the heavy petting and making out that usually leads to such a thing. There was only one problem that I had forgotten: she was on her period. Well, shit. She stopped me and said that it was no bother, she’d take care of me in other ways.

Now, I’m going to drop some life on you real quick… a little insight into the mind and psyche that is my personal playground. I’ve always felt a certain amount of discomfort with the concept of recieving a blowjob. Even to this day, at 24, I find it strange to sit there and watch as someone puts forth that much enthusiasm and focus for the sole dedicated purpose of getting you off. Before sex is one thing, when you’ll both eventually benefit from the foreplay, but a full one in its entirety is a different story, and it’s taken me a long time to get comfortable with recieving one and, at 18, forget about it. I was a very tense guy whenever my member would be placed in someone’s mouth.

So, when she started, I was a bit uncomfortable as always, but was definitely enjoying myself. Now, it was good enough, but like I said, we were somewhat inexperienced. Once a minute or so, she’d stop and look up to me for approval, I’d say it was good and to keep going, and she’d continue. Now, this would somewhat kill the mood for me, but I wasn’t about to stop her; however, this seemingly innocent action led to the entire event’s eventual downfall.

Just as I was climaxing, she pulled away and looked to me again. I didn’t realize this, because I had closed my eyes and put my head back, as most people tend to do in the midst of an orgasm. I didn’t realize she’d pulled away until I felt several drops of warm fluid hit my face, one just below the eye and one near the mouth.

I had given myself a facial. What. the. fuck.

I paused for a moment, thinking to myself, “No, that didn’t just happen. You’re still asleep. No.” and was immediately thrown into the reality of the situation as I heard her chuckling in the background, now very aware that I was not pleased.

“I’m not going to open my eyes or be angry about what just happened. Just please get me some paper towels.” I said to her. She laughed the entire way to the kitchen and back as she fetched me some Charmin and helped me clean myself off so I could open my eyes.

To this day, I have never finished on a woman’s face, and I never will. I don’t get the appeal of it, but after having it accidentally happen to me, I will never subject another human being to that kind of humility or disrespect. I mean, unless she’s really a bitch, but in that case I wouldn’t be screwing her.

Even as I sit here drafting this story up, I’m currently having a conversation with the girl to make sure my facts are straight. Her take on the situation: “It’s really not a huge deal. How long ago was this?? I’m sure worse has happened than getting a little splooge on your face.”

Well, I suppose it’s funny… now at least. What did I learn? Communication is key. Always warn them.

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