About Waiting For Adulthood...

Durham, NC-based musician, writer, and mostly comedic story-teller.

3 Tips For Achieving The Body You Want This Year

Look, being comfortable in your own skin is an important thing for all of us, and loving both yourself and your body plays an important factor in your overall health and well being as a human being. Too many people are scared to make the changes necessary to achieving their goals, be it lack of immediate results causing them to quit, lack of motivation, or not having the support they need to achieve what they set out to do.

A year ago, I finally had enough with feeling the way I did, so I made a goal and took the steps necessary to achieving the body I’ve always wanted to have, and while I’m not quite there yet, a careful regimen of hard work, perseverance, and the best support system a guy could ask for have landed me well on my way to having the body of well known conservative radio personality, author, and political commentator, Rush Limbaugh.

Here are a few tips to help you achieve your goals.
Continue reading

Advertisements

Sometimes, a Bear Gets You

January 2016

In the many months it has been since I’ve updated any of my writing, much has changed in the life of good ole’ John Black. The biggest change, aside from the fact that I’m now in a different state but back to a location more central to Manhattan, is that I have more or less simply taken my old set of nightmare commuting parameters and instead replaced them with new ones. You see, kids, I have recently moved to a wondrous and promising land – filled with the most interesting types of people one can find, with a luscious scenic view of industry and all of its many effects on the local landscape, where the sounds of airplanes flying dangerously close to your roof can be heard frequently overhead, and public transit is so majestic that it can’t be bothered with descriptors such as “frequently on time” or even “barely passable” – a land known to the people of New York City as “Fucking Jersey.”

With all kidding aside, I’ve made it no secret that I often invite and even welcome the insane into my life because, well, it makes it a lot more goddamn funny, and that’s where I tend to thrive. So, when presented with the opportunity to witness something completely and utterly absurd, of course I am going to take it, because what is life if not the pursuit of laughter?

Continue reading

Real Estate Employees on Business Trip Learn Valuable Lesson in Travel Etiquette

February 2015
I spend about 50% or more of my life commuting or traveling these days, and I have to say: I hate traveling. Perhaps it’s the fact that I just flat out don’t like most people, and cannot stand the concept of being crammed into a confined space with any number of assholes with horrible habits that are completely oblivious or inconsiderate of those around them. I could write an entire book alone that consists solely of my commuting and traveling fiascos, but by the end of it, I’d need to be committed to an insane asylum.

In recent years, however, to try and salvage what’s left of my dignity, sanity, and blood pressure, I’ve decided that rather than be that guy who is sitting in the subway car (or plane, or on the commuter bus) stewing over inconveniences and becoming visibly enraged at his surroundings – acting like the universe has singled him out just to make him late and that no one else around him has anywhere as important to be as where he’s headed – to instead find creative ways to mess with people in an effort to make them think twice about how they conduct themselves in public. An example of this happened to me within the last few months… Continue reading

San Francisco Native Visits New York, Almost Instantly Regrets Decision

October 2014

It takes a special kind of person to live and work in New York City, especially if you’ve never lived there. I’m never surprised when I meet someone who came to The Big Apple from another part of the country under the illusion that it is as glorified as Hollywood tends to make it, only to find out the horrible truth that no, you can’t simply hop on the subway from the Upper East Side and be in Brooklyn in five minutes, or live in a lavish penthouse apartment on an entry-level salary, or afford to have a massive entire closet dedicated to top shelf designer clothes and shoes. Girls who are fresh out of college in their early twenties who grew up watching shows like Gossip Girl or Sex & the City are usually the biggest offenders of this disillusion, but they’re not the only ones.

Continue reading

The Cold Stench of Complete and Utter Failure

December 2014

In recent months, in order to save money, I decided to move upstate to the country in order to save money for a potential big move next year. Thus far, it has proven to be nothing but trouble, a failed exercise on my part due to poor spending habits and a lack of proper planning. I can blame myself for that one.

The most frustrating aspect of where I live is that I still work in the city and inevitably am forced to commute by bus a few days a week. The journey typically takes around two or so hours depending on the bus I take, but sometimes, on occasions like the one I experienced on Wednesday, can take far longer.

This past Wednesday, a complete asshole of a nor’easter positively slapped both the city and the area where I live. This was one of the days I was scheduled to be at my office for mandatory meetings, so I had to suck it up and make the trip. Starting with my 4AM wake up time, the day from Hell began its ill-mannered and violent choke hold on all of my hopes and dreams.

After having an absolutely crappy and long day at work, I left the office promptly at 5pm to catch my bus, which I made just barely. The snow had already begin to pile up in Manhattan, which meant it would be even worse up in the boonies. What normally should’ve been a two hour ride turned into a five hour expedition, riddled with what can only be described as a smorgasbord of near-death experiences as the bus repeatedly skidded out and nearly hit guardrails, inanimate objects, and other vehicles.

By the time that I arrived home at around 10:15pm, I was nearly in tears. I was exhausted, I was cranky and, most of all, I was painfully hungry. Needless to say, the only thing I wanted to do was eat. That, and booze. And not just regular “getting tipsy with dinner” boozing. I wanted to get rip-roaring, fall down, ripped to the core drunk. It was on.

So after experiencing the wonderful feeling of being able to take off my pants, I walked passionately and determinedly toward my refrigerator, made myself a sandwich, and poured myself a large glass of wine. To paint the picture of how much red wine was in this glass, I emptied half the bottle into this thing. And I was prepared to finish it.

This was it. This was all I had left. This sandwich and my wine were the last sliver of hope I had to have even a remotely redeemable day, one that didn’t make me feel like I was completely wasting my life. I had trekked over 200 miles and spent 8 hours in total commuting time on top of a 9 hour work day for this very moment.

I walked over to my table, placed the plate atop it, set my wine glass down, and took a seat upon the old wicker chair that had been sitting at the table since my grandfather bought it in the 1960’s. The chair had seen better days for sure.

Seconds after sitting down, wine glass in hand, I heard the chair make the unmistakable “thhhhhhh” sound that signified that something terrible was about to happen.

All in one horrifyingly painful motion, the weight of my fat ass completely eliminated any capacity for weight bearing that this old chair had left in it, and the weathered piece of furniture completely collapsed beneath me, sending me crashing to the floor, red wine spilling all over, and shards of wicker scattering the site of the collapse, some of which scratched my tired pasty ass.

So there it was, my one shot at redemption, the one thing I had left, the only thing that could’ve made me feel even remotely like a person again, like my life had meaning, manifested in a pile of shattered wicker and red wine in front of my living room table.

I left the scene as it was and went to bed to return in the morning to a reminder to never commute in the snow again.

Two-For Tuesdays: The Oral Conundrum – How I’m Slowly and Unintentionally Ruining The Confidence of Every Woman I Sleep With

There have been two times in my life where something so horrible, so mortifying, so absolutely embarrassing has happened in my love life that I’ve walked away from it fearing that I’ve completely scarred my intimate partner for the rest of their life and shattered their ego forever. Being that the most recent one occurred within the last several days, I decided to do a two part piece about how I’m slowly and unintentionally ruining the confidence of every woman I sleep with.

Continue reading

A Former Spin Class Instructor Teaches The First Ever “Survival Of The Fittest” Course, Presented By Extreme Fitness Gym

Okay, everyone! Let’s all get settled down now; we’re about to begin. Welcome to the first official trial run of Extreme Fitness Gym’s brand new and trademark “Survival Of The Fittest Class!” You’ve always known our gym to be the most innovative providers of fun and exciting classes that get people – who normally don’t like working out – to get fit while having a great time, so we’re hoping that our brand new signature form of exercise will motivate and engage folks like never before!

Now, first off, let me thank all of you for signing up to be willing participants in this trial run. Being that this is the first time that any of you have done this, you’re probably asking yourself a lot of questions related to what’s going to happen in the next hour like, “What’s this all about anyway?” or, “Why were we asked to follow you out of the gym and onto this small and rickety commuter plane?” or perhaps, “That storm we’re riding into seems rather dangerous. Should we maybe reschedule this and turn around?” I assure you, those questions will be answered soon enough.

So, if we’re all ready to begin, let’s start light with some stretches and breathing exercises! Follow along as I demonstrate. First, being that we’re all already in the sitting position, let’s start by bending over slowly and placing our heads calmly in between our legs. Breathe steadily and really get the blood pumping as you feel your back and thighs begin to stretch and get a close up view of the floor as it shakes with increasing and terrifying turbulence beneath you. Good! Great form, Janet!

Now let’s get a little bit more intense as we- HOLY SHIT! WE JUST LOST THE RIGHT WING AND THE LEFT IS ON FIRE! OKAY, EVERYONE; IT’S TIME TO PUT WHAT WE JUST DID TO GOOD USE! CONTINUE TO BREATHE, BUT NOW USING THE OXYGEN MASKS THAT HAVE JUST FALLEN IN FRONT OF YOU! REMEMBER THE PRE-FLIGHT DEMONSTRATION VIDEO ABOUT YOUR SEAT CUSHION! GREAT INTENSITY, BOB! DOES EVERYBODY FEEL THEIR HEARTS RACING!?

ALRIGHT EVERYONE, GREAT JOB SO FAR! NOW WE’RE GOING TO GET A BIT MORE INTENSE, AS WE HAVE A CRASHING WATER LANDING COMING AT US IN ABOUT THREE! TWO! ONEEEE!

EVERYONE! UNDO YOUR SEAT BELTS AND SWIM! COME ON! GREG, OPEN THAT GODDAMN HATCH RIGHT NOW! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR THAT IT’S JAMMED! DO YOU THINK THIS IS A JOKE!?

GREAT! GOOD WORK, GREG! NOW EVERYONE FOLLOW ME! WE’RE SWIMMING TOWARDS THAT SMALL UNIDENTIFIED PIECE OF BEACH FRONT! SWIM! KICK YOUR LEGS! GET THE HEART PUMPING! FASTER, CAROL! FASTER! WE’RE ALMOST THERE!

Heh, wow! What a crazy ride! Swimming frantically for your life is a great cardio workout! Feel the burn! No, feel the cardio burn, Bob; not the burns from the fire. We can tend to those later.

Alright everyone, now that most of us are on shore, let’s slow everything down a bit. We want to get our heart rates down for a short while before we can continue, so we can get our second wind! Remember to keep breathing, Greg! You did a great job getting that hatch open. We can care for your broken hand later. For now, you made it! You survived the crash, which is more than I can say for Carol. Now, did anyone manage to get any supplies from the plane before exiting? That’s okay; we’ll search the island.

Now, before we continue, you’ll notice that- Sam, why are you screaming? It is the fact that one your classmates just perished? Oh them! Why yes, class, Sam is very observant! If you’ll look to your right, you’ll notice a small group of approaching indigenous peoples who are native to the island. Yes, Sam! They do look quite threatening don’t they! As they continue to approach, take a fighting stance, like so, and allow your heart rate to increase to terrifying levels. Try to focus on the primitive looking knives they’re yielding and the human skulls around their loin cloths! Is everybody ready to fight? They’re getting closer! Closer… Closer… NOW!

Stand your ground, everyone! Try and avoid the knife jabs! Great work, Janet! Really giving 110%. Hang in there! You can do this! Oh, that’s great, Bob; you’ve disabled him! Yes, good! Now, use his knife to slit his throat. That’s right, from ear to ear, just like that! Great work!