Okay, everyone! Let’s all get settled down now; we’re about to begin. Welcome to the first official trial run of Extreme Fitness Gym’s brand new and trademark “Survival Of The Fittest Class!” You’ve always known our gym to be the most innovative providers of fun and exciting classes that get people – who normally don’t like working out – to get fit while having a great time, so we’re hoping that our brand new signature form of exercise will motivate and engage folks like never before!
Now, first off, let me thank all of you for signing up to be willing participants in this trial run. Being that this is the first time that any of you have done this, you’re probably asking yourself a lot of questions related to what’s going to happen in the next hour like, “What’s this all about anyway?” or, “Why were we asked to follow you out of the gym and onto this small and rickety commuter plane?” or perhaps, “That storm we’re riding into seems rather dangerous. Should we maybe reschedule this and turn around?” I assure you, those questions will be answered soon enough.
So, if we’re all ready to begin, let’s start light with some stretches and breathing exercises! Follow along as I demonstrate. First, being that we’re all already in the sitting position, let’s start by bending over slowly and placing our heads calmly in between our legs. Breathe steadily and really get the blood pumping as you feel your back and thighs begin to stretch and get a close up view of the floor as it shakes with increasing and terrifying turbulence beneath you. Good! Great form, Janet!
Now let’s get a little bit more intense as we- HOLY SHIT! WE JUST LOST THE RIGHT WING AND THE LEFT IS ON FIRE! OKAY, EVERYONE; IT’S TIME TO PUT WHAT WE JUST DID TO GOOD USE! CONTINUE TO BREATHE, BUT NOW USING THE OXYGEN MASKS THAT HAVE JUST FALLEN IN FRONT OF YOU! REMEMBER THE PRE-FLIGHT DEMONSTRATION VIDEO ABOUT YOUR SEAT CUSHION! GREAT INTENSITY, BOB! DOES EVERYBODY FEEL THEIR HEARTS RACING!?
ALRIGHT EVERYONE, GREAT JOB SO FAR! NOW WE’RE GOING TO GET A BIT MORE INTENSE, AS WE HAVE A CRASHING WATER LANDING COMING AT US IN ABOUT THREE! TWO! ONEEEE!
EVERYONE! UNDO YOUR SEAT BELTS AND SWIM! COME ON! GREG, OPEN THAT GODDAMN HATCH RIGHT NOW! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR THAT IT’S JAMMED! DO YOU THINK THIS IS A JOKE!?
GREAT! GOOD WORK, GREG! NOW EVERYONE FOLLOW ME! WE’RE SWIMMING TOWARDS THAT SMALL UNIDENTIFIED PIECE OF BEACH FRONT! SWIM! KICK YOUR LEGS! GET THE HEART PUMPING! FASTER, CAROL! FASTER! WE’RE ALMOST THERE!
Heh, wow! What a crazy ride! Swimming frantically for your life is a great cardio workout! Feel the burn! No, feel the cardio burn, Bob; not the burns from the fire. We can tend to those later.
Alright everyone, now that most of us are on shore, let’s slow everything down a bit. We want to get our heart rates down for a short while before we can continue, so we can get our second wind! Remember to keep breathing, Greg! You did a great job getting that hatch open. We can care for your broken hand later. For now, you made it! You survived the crash, which is more than I can say for Carol. Now, did anyone manage to get any supplies from the plane before exiting? That’s okay; we’ll search the island.
Now, before we continue, you’ll notice that- Sam, why are you screaming? It is the fact that one your classmates just perished? Oh them! Why yes, class, Sam is very observant! If you’ll look to your right, you’ll notice a small group of approaching indigenous peoples who are native to the island. Yes, Sam! They do look quite threatening don’t they! As they continue to approach, take a fighting stance, like so, and allow your heart rate to increase to terrifying levels. Try to focus on the primitive looking knives they’re yielding and the human skulls around their loin cloths! Is everybody ready to fight? They’re getting closer! Closer… Closer… NOW!
Stand your ground, everyone! Try and avoid the knife jabs! Great work, Janet! Really giving 110%. Hang in there! You can do this! Oh, that’s great, Bob; you’ve disabled him! Yes, good! Now, use his knife to slit his throat. That’s right, from ear to ear, just like that! Great work!